Parody Magi Madoka Magica
by The Hash Slinging Slasher
Summary: Madoka learns about alcoholism and the importance of stranger danger in this all-around parody of everybody's favorite magical girl anime.
1. The Gang Meets the Transfer Student

Madoka saw the city stretched out before her, in a strange and ghostly light. The sky was tearing itself apart, with huge, swirling storm-clouds. In the distance, and yet somehow perfectly clear to her, was a girl dressed in dark clothing. She appeared to be about the same age as Madoka, with a metal shield the size of a Frisbee on her arm. Suddenly an entire building was uprooted and flung itself at the girl. It crashed into the tower she had been perched on. Madoka gasped.

There was suddenly a small, white creature at her side. "I know you don't want this to happen, Ma-"but the rest was lost to the raging storm.

"Wow, a Pokémon…" Madoka thought.

"Madoka? Madoka?"

She awoke. The turbulent city was replaced by the familiar site of her room. Her mother was standing beside her bed, gently shaking her and calling out her name. Sun was just beginning to come in through the large, airy windows. Madoka rubbed her eyes and sat up, seemingly surprised by the fact that she was still in her own home.

"I had a weird dream, Mom. There were buildings, and they were falling…"

"Well, hopefully you haven't been incepted or something," her Mom said in a concerned tone, "Now hurry up or you'll be late for school!"

Madoka took her advice, rushing through her morning routine. After dressing, brushing her teeth in an almost violent manner, and tying her twin bows in her hair, she hurried downstairs and was about to head out of the kitchen, when her Mom called out to her.

"Madoka! You forgot your obligatory toast!"

She took the toast, stuffed it in her mouth, said a muffled thank you, and was out the door. She soon caught up with her friends Hitomi and Sayaka along the way. The sun shone pleasantly down on the path through the park as other students began to trickle in alongside them. Before long they were through the doors and sitting within the transparent walls of their classroom.

"As usual, there's a transfer student," their teacher announced dryly, lazily gesturing towards a girl at the front of the class.

Madoka stared blankly at the student in amazement, for she was now looking at the very same girl from her dream. She contemplated this bizarre occurrence for a moment, before reaching what she saw was the only reasonable conclusion. She leaned slowly towards Sayaka, who sat at the desk beside her, and whispered, "I think I'm still dreaming."

"I'm pretty sure you're not, Madoka," she replied.

"But I saw that girl in my dream last night…"

Sayaka rolled her eyes. "Madoka, maybe she lives near you and you just saw her somewhere."

"But everyone's house has see-through walls, so I would know if she lived near me…"

"Well I guess you're still dreaming then. Nice," Sayaka conceded, though she hardly appeared to be convinced.

The class passed quickly for Madoka, whose thoughts were constantly straying back towards the girl. She had a very stern demeanor, never smiling or even making much facial expression at all. During break she was besieged by her curious classmates, whose questions generally received short answers. Suddenly, however, she rose from her seat, and walked towards Madoka's desk.

"You are the nurse's aide for this classroom, correct?" she asked in a rather lifeless voice.

"How did you know?"

She gave her long, straight black hair a toss. "It's complicated."

"Uh, okay," said Madoka, walking with her to the door, "So are you okay? What happened to you?"

"Angst."

The two of them continued in silence until Homura stepped in front of Madoka and stood there looking intently at her for a moment before saying. "Do you like things the way they are?"

Madoka stopped, taken back by the abrupt question. "Y-Yes…?"

"Good. Then never do anything to change that."

"What do you mean, Homura?" asked Madoka, her blank expression giving away her complete lack of understanding.

The transfer student gripped the bridge of her nose and sighed, closing her eyes. "Honestly, I don't even know anymore. I've tried explaining this so many ways. One time, I just made you read "Doctor Faustus"."

"I don't really know-"

"But you ended up missing the point _pretty hard_. So just," Homura sighed again and placed a hand on the other girl's shoulder, "Like, be careful, okay?"

The rest of the day passed uneventfully, without Homura approaching her again. After realizing that she was most likely still dreaming, Madoka began to forget about her brief and confusing conversation with the transfer-student/figment of her imagination. After school, she and Sayaka went to the mall. Sayaka suggested going to get CDs, which somehow still existed.

Madoka was listening to a sample they had in-store when she began to hear a faint voice that sounded as if it was somehow very close to her. When, even after she had removed her headphones, the voice remained, she tapped Sayaka on the shoulder. Her friend took her headphones off as well.

"Do you think Yeezus would be a good gift for a hospitalized musician?" Sayaka asked.

Madoka looked curiously around the room. "Sayaka, do you hear that?"

Sayaka shook her head and returned to her music, but Madoka wandered out of the store, and the sound grew more distinct.

"Madoka…Madoka…" it called.

She followed the sound of the mysterious and bodiless voice down into a dark storage level that was made mostly of concrete and ominous shadows. A shaft above her began to rattle and shake, until one of its metal panels gave way and clattered to the floor, accompanied by the very same white creature she had seen in her dream. It was battered and bloodied. Madoka picked it delicately up from the floor, cradling it in her arms.

"Wow, that was easy. Do they not have stranger danger in Japan?" it said. Although its mouth did not move, Madoka could hear the voice in her head, and recognized it as the same one that had been calling out to her.

"Seriously Madoka," said Homura, emerging from the darkness, "You are basically begging to be kidnapped."

The foreign creature stared up at Madoka with a face that was totally lacking in any sort of emotional quality. "You know, you'd never have to worry about getting kidnapped if you became a magi-"

A shot rang out, and Madoka turned to see Homura holding a smoking gun in the air. "Madoka, I need you to let go of Kyubey."

"Why do you want to hurt this Pokémon, Homura?" asked Madoka, eyes trembling.

"How about you take this fire extinguisher instead!" shouted Sayaka, smashing Homura over the head with the metal container. She grabbed Madoka by the hand, yanking her to her feet, and they took off. The two of them ran down a dimly lit hallway that seemed to be growing darker as they went on.

At once, everything around them began to shift and change into bizarre shapes and forms. They were suddenly running down a path of huge, dancing weeds with mustaches. Beyond was what looked like a Tim Burton-themed amusement park.

"Madoka why didn't you pay attention on stranger-danger day?!" Sayaka cried out.

As the mustached plants circled closer and closer, and the two girls were forced together, Kyubey still in Madoka's arms, something dropped down beside them. It was a slightly older looking, blonde girl. She waved her hand, and a row of ornate-looking muskets appeared before her. In a series of flashes, bangs, and puffs of smoke, she proceeded to decimate the entire advancing group, tossing each weapon aside after firing it. Their surroundings slowly returned to normal.

"Amazing…" breathed Sayaka.

Homura slipped out of the shadows. "What are you wearing, Mami? You look like an 1800s prostitute," she said in her bored monotone.

"I will overlook this," the blonde girl said, staring down the other girl, "Only because I do not wish to fight you in front of them."

"You may also want to consider just buying one _actual _gun," Homura muttered to herself as she stalked off into the darkness.

Kyubey coughed, then looked up at Madoka and Sayaka. "Alright, so who wants to become a magical girl now?"


	2. The Gang Gets an Offer

"So you're telling me that we get to wish for anything we want…" began Sayaka.

Kyubey nodded.

"…and then we turn into 'magical girls' and walk around the streets at night looking for 'witches'…"

Another confirmation from the creature.

"…and this isn't a metaphor for prostitution?"

"Uh huh," said Kyubey, nodding again.

Sayaka leaned toward the creature, who was still in Madoka's arms, and covered her mouth partially with her hand. She continued in a whisper, pointing discreetly towards Mami. "Alright, because this chick seriously does look like a whore."

"It also doesn't necessarily have to be at night, but it is common to do so," Mami said, apparently having not heard her.

"You can really wish for anything?" asked Madoka, awed.

"Yeah, how are there really no limits on this thing?" Sayaka said skeptically, "What's to stop me from wishing for infinite wishes? Or a genie? Or infinite genies?"

"Nothing," Kyubey answered plainly.

Sayaka put a thoughtful hand to her chin. "I find it very disturbing that _nobody_ has everwished for world peace."

School went on as it normally did the next day, unaffected by the two girl's strange encounter. Kyubey accompanied them, and they soon discovered that his unique method of communication had somehow been granted to them. If they tried, they could broadcasts their thoughts to one another on the telepathic wavelength.

"Hey, Homura," Sayaka thought, keeping her eyes down on her desk, "You should help us out with this test."

"No," was her immediate response.

"Well then just wish that we knew all the answers, please," replied Sayaka, her eyes flickering up at her from across the room.

"That isn't how it works," Homura thought back.

"You mean you didn't wish for infinite wishes?" Sayaka chuckled out loud to herself, covering her mouth with her hand.

"What's so funny, Sayaka?" their teacher asked from behind her desk with a curious smile.

"Some people's severe lack of imagination, that's what," she answered.

"I'm sure that whatever you wished for was really nice, Homura," thought Madoka, who received no response.

During break Madoka and Sayaka were hanging out on the roof with Kyubey. The sky was blue and the sun was shining. This had created a nice atmosphere that they were both enjoying, until Homura eclipsed it with her rather gloomy presence.

"How did you know we would be up here?" Sayaka asked.

"It was either here or the seat by the window in the back-right corner of the classroom," Homura said rather lifelessly.

"Nice one, Homura," Kyubey thought to their collective minds.

Homura gave him a piercing look before turning back to Madoka and Sayaka. "If you value yourselves, you will not make this contract."

"Uh, yeah, but I also value the quadrillion dollars I might wish for," Sayaka replied with a smile and a raised eyebrow.

"Did you wish to have such pretty, straight hair?" asked Madoka, staring onward at Homura's sleek mane.

Sayaka laughed. "Come on, Homura. What's the worst that could happen?"


	3. The Gang Fights a Caterpillar

"That wasn't so bad. You go in, snap your fingers, blow everyone away, and you're done," said Sayaka as her, Madoka, and Mami exited a building that now had one less witch in it.

Madoka looked on at the magical girl in amazement. "Yeah, you're really cool, Mami…"

She laughed. "Well, it isn't always so simple."

"It will be for me," Sayaka said as she rested her hands on her head, "When I wish to _become _Kyubey. Think about it, it's the perfect wish."

"What did you wish for, Mami?" Madoka asked with a face that was as interested as it was innocent.

"Well, that's actually part of the reason why I'm bringing you two along with me. I didn't get much of a chance to think about my wish, so I want you to make sure that you've thought this decision through."

"Why didn't you get to think about yours, Mami?"

"I was in a head-on collision," she said, smiling faintly, "And then Kyubey appeared."

"Gotta get 'em while they're down," Kyubey said, "If I could drive myself, this whole thing would be a lot easier."

"Don't worry," Sayaka said, scooping him up like one would a cat, "If I wish for infinite wishes, I'll use one to set you free, like Aladdin did with his genie."

The three girls continued down the street, passing in and out of the pools of yellow light created by the streetlamps. It was quiet, with only the occasional passing car to break the night's silence. The moon hung bright and white in the sky. Mami stopped and turned to the other two girls.

"I'll be going now. I would encourage you two to think about what wish you would be willing to make. And don't let all the choices go to your head, Sayaka!" she said with a smile and a wave.

The next day Sayaka made her way through the sterile-smelling hallways of a hospital, and then rode an elevator full of various health-awareness posters up to a particular room. Inside was a thin, weak looking boy about her age in a bed that had too much set up around its immediate proximity for this to be only a short stay. She quietly took a seat beside him in a chair.

"Hey, Kyosuke. I was at the store, and I was thinking that it was time you expanded your musical tastes beyond classical violin," she said, taking a CD from her bag, "So I got you Yeezus…"

"Oh, thanks," he said, taking it from her half-heartedly with the hand he had that wasn't wrapped in bandages.

"So how's the hand coming along?" she asked, folding her skirt down.

"Pretty much as irreparably damaged as usual," Kyosuke said with a sigh.

Sayaka laughed nervously, putting a hand behind her head. "You'd probably be pretty psyched if someone managed to cure you, huh."

He nodded slowly, giving her an odd look. "Um, yeah."

"You'd probably want to get with that person, wouldn't you?"

"What?"

Sayaka hurriedly pushed back her sleeve to check the watch that she didn't actually have. "Oh, sorry, it's magical girl time, so I have to go-bye," she stood up, knocking her chair back, and quickly exited.

"_What_?"

Making her way out of the hospital, Sayaka met back up with Madoka and Kyubey, who were sitting just outside on a bench, watching people pass in and out of the sliding glass doors. Madoka asked Sayaka how her visit had gone.

"Well, you know. He's clearly not in a great place, emotionally, right now."

But Madoka appeared not to have heard, as she simply pointed past her without answering. On the sidewalk was a grey, egg-shaped little object stuck to the ground by a pin. Dark tendrils of energy seeped out of it, sliding closer to the white wall of the hospital.

"Madoka!" cried Sayaka, looking instinctively up to the floor occupied by Kyosuke, "Go get Mami, I'll stay here and keep an eye on it."

"How?" asked Madoka, hesitantly standing to her feet, "We don't know where she lives, and we don't have her number…"

Kyubey's ears perked up "If you made a contract with me, you could wish-"

"Japan is a tiny island, Madoka! You'll run into her eventually!" Sayaka turned back to the Grief Seed, where a swirling portal had been created in the wall, "Kyubey and I will head inside in the meantime."

"But why would you do that?"

"Because reasons! Now go find Mami!"

Madoka ran off down the sidewalk, and Sayaka picked Kyubey up and vanished into the portal. Inside was a tunnel of shadowy and abstract shapes, slowly shifting around her. She carefully made her way deeper into the labyrinth. Outside, Madoka had returned with Mami.

"So Sayaka went on ahead?" Mami asked, glaring on at the portal.

Madoka nodded, and the two quickly entered. Before long, however, Homura suddenly emerged from the side of the main path. She gave her glossy hair a casual toss as Mami quickly raised her hand and pointed it at her.

"Why are you here?" Mami demanded.

"This isn't a normal familiar. You're in over your head, Mami."

"I can manage this myself. But if you insist on interfering…" Mami closed her hand, and several huge strands of ribbon shot out around Homura, binding her in place. Madoka gasped.

The two of them left the struggling girl behind as they continued through the strange and dim world. After awhile, Madoka looked up at her and said, "Mami, I think that just being a magical girl and getting to help people like you would be better than anything I could think of to wish for."

Mami smiled. "Aren't you getting ahead of yourself a little bit? You have plenty of time you know."

Madoka looked shyly away. "I know, but, I don't know if there could be anything better than becoming a magical girl."


	4. The Gang Makes a Deal

"I don't think I want to become a magical girl anymore," Madoka said.

She and Kyubey were seated on a bench beside the road. Behind her were the lights of the city, twinkling and blinking just the same as they always had. Before her was a lonely street, where only the occasional car flew by, white headlights followed by receding, red brake lights.

Kyubey walked about in a little circle in a very cat-like way. "That doesn't usually happen."

Madoka's eyes glistened. "I-I don't think I could ever do it."

"There's always the possibility of ending up with a better power," said Kyubey, "I mean let's face it: Mami was done for from the start. Summoning single-shot rifles? There's really only so far you can make it with that."

Madoka held her knees tightly in an attempt to stop her hands from shaking. Kyubey hopped off the bench, muttered "Well, if you're gonna be a baby about it" and stalked off into the night. Almost at the same time, Homura seemed to materialize beside Madoka.

"So I heard you don't want to become a magical girl anymore," she said in a low voice.

Madoka responded with a slight nod.

"Good. Even if, in the future, you think 'Maybe becoming a magical girl wouldn't be so bad', just remember this. Remember how, as a magical girl, a caterpillar can come and bite your head off at any time."

Another slight and trembling nod.

"And I want you to have this," Homura said, handing Madoka a circular patch with the letters GAK printed on it in bold font. "It stands for 'Girls against Kyubey'."

Madoka took it from her and examined it. Written in a semi-circle along the edge was the phrase 'Just say no to magical contracts'. "Th-Thanks, Homura."

Meanwhile, Sayaka returned to the hospital, where the ill musician was sitting up in bed. She sat down in a chair beside him and looked awkwardly at her hands for a moment.

"So how's the hand?" she asked. After he responded only with a weighty sigh, she tried another question. "Did you like the album?"

"It was alright," he said somewhat reluctantly.

"I brought you something tonight as well," she said, a smile slowly forming on her face as she drew two clear, glass bottles from her bag.

"H-How did you get those?" he asked, instinctively looking around the room, despite their being alone.

"Let's just say it turns out that magic is real," she said with a confident smirk, unable to explain to him that an invisible alien had stolen it per her request. Sayaka screwed the tops off and handed one to Name.

"Are you sure we should…?" He held the bottle like it was an eel.

"Don't be such a baby about it," Sayaka said before beginning to chug down her own.

Having begun her walk home, Madoka was surprised to see her friend Hitomi suddenly walking along beside her, wordlessly. Her eyes were glazed, and she seemed to be perpetually staring off into the distance, almost as if she was sleepwalking.

"Hitomi? What are you doing here?"

"Just out for a leisurely night-stroll…" was her answer. She didn't break stride or turn to look at Madoka, who was beginning to notice other people, walking onward in a similar state. None of them spoke a word.

"But you don't really live near here," said Madoka, looking around at the growing number of night-walkers.

"Japan is a pretty small island, Madoka…"

Concerned by this eerie happening, Madoka followed the scattered crowd, keeping close to her friend. They trickled into a large and empty warehouse, the universally preferred destination for shadiness. A plain white bucket sat on the floor in the center, which a tired-looking woman stepped toward and splashed some sort of chemical into.

"What's going on, Hitomi?" asked Madoka, looking behind her as she heard the large metal door clang shut.

"We're transitioning to another plane of existence," Hitomi replied with a sad little smile.

Madoka backed away from her friend as she began to notice creeping, shadowy threads of energy appear around her. She noticed a second person with another container shuffling towards the bucket, and, running at them, knocked it from their hands before they could empty it. Everyone in the room turned toward her at once like a herd of animals, and began to advance. Madoka ran to the wall, and, finding a door, threw it open and slammed it behind her. The door, however, did not lead out of the warehouse, but into a small room full of screens that were all playing the scene of Mami's death over and over. A screeching laugh could be heard in the background as Madoka sank to the floor.

"Not so fast, witch."

There was a flash of light and a blue figure appeared, slashing the screens and dashing about the dark space. The banging on the door ceased, and the crowd outside could be heard voicing their confusion as to their whereabouts.

Before Madoka stood a black man with hair shaved close to his head and a thin goatee, wearing a blue and white dress with gold trim and matching socks that went up past his knees. He also had a flowing white cape, large sunglasses, and a long saber.

"Who are you?" Madoka asked in grateful amazement.

"It's me, Sayaka," said the man. He looked down at her, "Or should I say, Sayakanye."


	5. The Gang Makes a New Friend

Madoka, Homura, and Sayakanye stood on the roof of the school in the afternoon sun. A gentle breeze came through, lightly blowing hair and ribbons. Madoka looked on at her transformed friend with deep confusion, while Homura seemed to have only mild contempt.

"S-So what exactly did you wish for, Sayaka?" asked Madoka.

"Obviously," she replied, raising her arms and looking down at her body, "I wished that I was Kanye West."

"'And why would you do that," Homura said in a thoroughly unamused tone.

"To be honest, I was pretty wasted," Sayakanye said, "Which I now realize was probably part of Kyubey's plan all along. Kyosuke and I were talking about Yeezus, and I said 'Man, sometimes I wish I was Kanye' and then Kyubey popped out from under the bed, said 'No take backs', and before I knew it I had become an African American rap artist."

"So much for GAK," Homura said, crossing her arms.

"Sayaka…" Madoka began, unsure how to feel or respond.

"As far as accidental wishes go, this isn't really that bad," Sayakanye shrugged, "It could have been a lot worse. I mean, I can rap now. Check this out," A heavy gold watch caught the sun as she raised her fist to her mouth, clearing her throat, and her shoulders strained against her uniform as she gave them a preparatory roll.

"No thanks," interrupted Homura just as the other girl had opened her mouth to begin.

"I mean, as long as you're okay with it, I guess…" said Madoka.

"I've come to terms with my decision. I'm also prettydrunk right now, so, I wouldn't take my current statements as definitive."

Homura pinched the bridge of her nose and looked down with a sigh.

"I must be one of like, ten total black people in Japan."

"But why are you drinking, Sayaka?" Madoka asked, clearly concerned about her friend's recent life choices.

Laughing as she took a shiny metal flask from her bag, Sayakanye said, "You can ask your Mom all about alcohol when you get home, Madoka." And, tilting her head back as she drained the container, she made her way to the stairwell and off of the roof. A bewildered Madoka turned to Homura.

"Will you help her, Homura?" pleaded Madoka.

"All magical girls die at some point," Homura stated coldly.

Madoka buried her face in her hands. "Why didn't you just tell us that?"

"Well, I kind of did. And I thought after Mami you would have gotten the general idea. Something to remember for next time, I guess."

"Next time…?"

Homura's eyes widened a little at her slip. She faltered, and looked down at her bare wrist. "Uh, its magical girl time, sorry, gotta go," and she disappeared into thin air, leaving Madoka alone on the roof.

That night, Madoka and Sayakanye stood outside the latter's house in the darkness. Sayakanye had taken the time to begin the process of adjusting her wardrobe, and now wore a pair of leather, black jeans and a plain, white t-shirt. She also wore large sunglasses, despite the current total lack of sunlight.

"I still don't totally understand why you're here, Madoka," Sayakanye said as she started off confidently down the sidewalk, head on a swivel.

"I just didn't want you to be alone…" Madoka said, looking down at the pavement.

"Also," said Kyubey, suddenly trotting along beside them, "She could bail you out if you're in trouble. Madoka would be an incredibly powerful magical girl, if she chose to be one."

"R-Really?" asked a surprised Madoka. Kyubey nodded in confirmation.

"Oh, come on," complained Sayakanye, shaking her head, "And all I get is a sword? At least Mami had weapons from this century. What would Madoka get, then? Nuclear missiles?"

"Think more Evangelion," Kyubey answered. Sayakanye rubbed her thin goatee in contemplation. The three of them continued through the night, listening to the distant sounds of traffic. Everything about the situation seemed perfectly unsuspicious, until they passed an otherwise dull, older-looking wall with a swirling portal.

"Alright, here we go," Sayakanye said quietly, cupping her soul gem in both hands and holding it out in front of her chest. In a brilliant twirl of twinkling light, she spun around as her blue and white dress appeared, and her shining sword appeared in her hand. She slipped through the wall and Madoka hesitantly followed.

Inside the space was somewhat narrow, with tall walls on either side. Sayakanye quickly and easily dealt with some small and shadowy creatures that flung themselves at her. Ahead was a large, hazy mass. She flew towards it, and it seemed as though it would be cut down just as easily, when her blade suddenly made contact with a spear that descended out of nowhere. As Sayakanye leapt back, a girl with long, red hair appeared. She crunched occasionally at a piece of Pocky that was hanging out of her mouth.

"Who are you?" demanded Sayakanye as the hazy shape retreated into the darkness.

The other girl smirked. Finishing her current stick, she reached behind her and took the whole package from her pocket. She took out a second stick with her teeth while she said, "This was just a familiar. If you kill it now, it'll never turn into a grief seed."

"That doesn't answer my question. And what was your wish, the ability to speak clearly while still perpetually having food in your mouth?"

"That's Kyoko," said Kyubey flatly.

"I'm glad we all know who I am now," Kyoko said, giving Sayakanye a look of severe condescension, "But you're not even a girl. How did this happen, exactly?"

"It's complicated," Sayakanye said through her teeth. "And how about picking one gimmick and sticking with it? Do we really need a character who's the fang-person _and _the always-eating person?"

This comment seemed to push the red-haired girl over the edge, as she rushed at Sayakanye, spear-first. Madoka instinctively ran toward the two of them, but found her movements blocked by an invisible wall. Sayakanye staggered backwards, struggling to repel Kyoko's rapid and fluid attacks.

"You know, Madoka," Kyubey said, looking up, "You could stop this by making a contract right now."

Madoka looked down and touched her GAK patch. "B-But Homura said-"

"Uh, this just in, Homura is a _huge nerd_," Kyubey said, "And you should totally make a contract anyway."

"W-Well-"

A tremendous bang cut her off and echoed away. The two girls that had been locked in combat turned to see a thoroughly unamused Homura holding a pistol-grip shotgun in the air.


	6. The Gang Gets Tricked

Homura disappeared as quickly as she had appeared.

Suddenly, she was between Sayaka and Kyoko, shotgun resting on her shoulder. She looked back and forth between them, then pivoted and faced the red-haired girl. "How about you take your kid-friendly cigarette substitutes and get out of here," she said calmly and clearly.

Kyoko smirked very smugly. "Yeah. I'd hate to make a scene."

"Wouldn't we all."

The red-haired girl turned and stalked slowly off until she was lost to the darkness. Homura turned to the other two girls now, appearing unenthused by the situation in general. "Why are you here, Madoka?"

Madoka simply looked down guiltily.

"So I wanted some backup, sue me," Sayakanye cut in, "As long as she doesn't get drunk and waste her wish like I did, she can always just wish for infinite wishes, then wish that she wasn't a magical girl anymore."

Homura furrowed her eyebrows together. "You can't just-"

Sayakanye laughed out loud as she transformed out of her magical girl state. "As soon as I get bored of this, Madoka can just wish me back to normal too. Then we'll wish away witches, whatever other magical things are apparently real, and establish world peace for eternity. Honestly, how has everyone who's gotten this offer wasted it _every single time_?"

Visibly irritated, Homura began another objection. "You will-"

"Hey, don't hate the player," Sayakanye said with a smile and a hand on Homura's shoulder, "Hate the game."

Later that same night, when it was even darker and spookier than it had been previously, Kyoko was seated on top of a skyscraper, overlooking the sea of lights. She had one Pocky stick between her teeth, and a few more between her fingers. Without turning, she addressed Homura, who had materialized behind her.

"Not like you to play so well with others," she said, smiling to herself.

"Walpurgisnacht is coming," Homura replied, her hair flowing in the cool night breeze.

"Is that a Nazi thing, or…?"

"Worse," answered Homura curtly.

"Uh," Kyoko tilted her head back so as give Homura a highly skeptical look, "I'm pretty sure that's impossible, racist."

Ignoring the comment, Homura continued. "We can't afford to be fighting right now. It could very well take all of us to defend against it."

"Alright. I'll leave them alone-for now. I don't know why you've been hanging around them so much though."

"What I do does not concern you," Homura said, giving her long hair a toss.

"Whatever you say," Kyoko said, eyebrows raised, "_Homo_ra A-_gay_-mi."

As Homura turned and began to walk off into the night, Kyoko called after her over the wind. "Get it? Because you're with Madoka so much? So much that it's gay?"

On the evening of the following day, Sayakanye was back on patrol, making her way across a bridge that stretched over a river of traffic. She had encountered no further witch-related activity since the previous night. A figure appeared on the other side of the bridge, advancing towards her, causing Sayakanye to freeze for a moment. The figure stepped into a streetlamp's pool of light, and Sayakanye saw that it was the same girl from before.

"Well if it isn't Pippy Long-Stocking," said Sayakanye as she casually took her soul gem out of the pocket of her dark jeans.

"Well if it isn't… this black guy," Kyoko replied, faltering.

"Wow, you really nailed that one," Sayakanye said sarcastically as she turned her soul gem around in her palm.

"Whatever. I had a better one earlier-I called Homura _Homo_ra."

Sayakanye chuckled. "Now that's funny, because she's gay."

"You have to stop fighting!" Madoka cried, flying at them from nowhere and knocking Sayakanye's soul gem out of her hand and over the side of the bridge. It landed on top of an uncaring truck, and was carried onward with the traffic. Sayakanye fell to the ground.

"Sayaka!" Madoka dropped down onto her knees beside her friend.

"Yeah, what the heck?" Kyoko ran forward, equally concerned and confused.

A familiar, white, cat-like creature with emotionless pink eyes appeared, strutting on the rail that ran along the side of the bridge. "Looks like you kids are in for a surprise," he said.


	7. The Gang Faces Their True Feelings

"What the heck is happening?" Kyoko demanded of the little white creature.

"Your body can't function without its soul," answered Kyubey with his usual expressionless voice.

"_What_?"

"What did you think 'Soul Gem' meant?" Kyubey asked, hopping off the rail and down onto the bridge.

"I was pretty sure the whole thing was a metaphor for prostitution anyway!" Kyoko cried with panic in her voice as she dropped down beside Sayakanye's body. "Becoming a 'magical girl' and going around the streets at night to find 'witches'? I mean, come on!"

Homura appeared in their midst, standing in the island of pale light created by the nearby streetlamp. She gave her hair a flip with her hand as the two girls looked up at her. In her hand was Sayakanye's Soul Gem.

Sayakanye gasped and sat straight up. "Am I dead?" she asked, looking at the faces around her.

Homura tossed her the Soul Gem. "Soon."

"And in case you were wondering," Kyoko said, standing to her feet and gripping her spear, "Your soul is in there."

"What's next? This turns out to be a prostitution thing after all?" Sayakanye said as she also stood, "And while we're filing complaints against Kyubey, what is up with the power distribution around here? Homura can make explosives and I get a _sword_?"

"Don't hate the player," Kyubey said in his lifeless tone, "Hate the game."

The following day Sayakanye was making her way home from school, hands in the pockets of her jeans and eyes turned downward as she thought about how her soul was contained in a small egg. It now hung on a gold chain necklace around her neck.

"I need to show you something."

Sayakanye looked up to see Kyoko leaning against a fence, taking a bite out of a dripping red apple.

"Are you finally going to tell us how old you are? Because I haven't been totally clear on that," Sayakanye asked.

"No. But I'm going to teach you something about being a magical girl."

Sayakanye reluctantly followed as Kyoko began to walk down the sidewalk. They soon entered an area that Sayakanye was unfamiliar with. Most of the buildings were in varying degrees of decay, if not completely run down. The two of them came upon the tallest structure, a church, with stained glass windows that were mostly broken. They entered through the large wooden doors that stood wide open.

"My Father was the leader of this church, but people stopped listening to him," Kyoko said, voice echoing throughout the empty space. She took another bite and continued. "We could barely even afford food. So I wished that people would listen. When he found out what I did, he went insane and killed himself and the rest of my family."

Sayakanye paused thoughtfully. "Was your Dad...L. Ron Hubbard?"

"Yes."

"Wow, that… explains a lot, actually. But why are you telling me this?" said Sayakanye, rubbing her goatee thoughtfully.

"I'm telling you this so you'll understand that trying to use your powers to help others will only end in pain."

"Yeah, maybe if you make retarded wishes like that," scoffed Sayakanye, "Why didn't you just wish for a million genies?"

"Says the person who wished themselves into being Kanye West!" Kyoko shouted, followed by a particularly ferocious bite of apple.

"Hey! I was very drunk at the time!" Sayakanye returned with an accusatory finger. However, after a moment she lowered her hand as well as her voice. "Although this did quickly become a lot more Faustian than I expected."

"Tell me about it."

"I guess Mami just made it look so easy," said Sayakanye, a slight smile beginning to form on her face.

The two laughed.


	8. The Gang Gets Tricked Again

Sayakanye's sword slashed furiously through the darkness, tearing apart shapes and shadows. Her face became wild as she began to hone in on the actual witch, a bizarre-looking creature made of both mechanical and organic parts. She sliced into it, causing it to fall to the ground, then proceeded to hack at it brutally. Madoka watched from behind a pillar. Eventually the labyrinth around them dissolved, leaving only a small Grief Seed behind. Sayakanye began to walk away.

"Aren't you going to take it?" Madoka asked hesitantly, stepping out into the open.

Sayakanye turned around. "What's the point?"

"N-Not dying…?"

"How about you just make a wish already?" Sayakanye said, throwing her hands in the air, "Wish for more wishes! Wish there weren't witches! Wish you were a genie! Anything!"

Madoka touched her GAK patch on her sleeve lightly. "But Homura said…"

Sayakanye walked off without another word.

Meanwhile, at Homura's personal residence, she sat across from Kyoko on a semi-circular seat. Kyoko carefully drew a piece of Pocky from its package and placed it between her teeth.

"Your house is pretty weird, Homura," she said as she crunched away, looking around her, "It's just… really low seats and pictures… I'm also not totally sure where the walls are. What part of your house even is this?"

"I didn't ask you to come here to discuss my living arrangements," replied Homura dryly.

"And what's this thing?" Kyoko pointed a finger upwards, "An engine? A chandelier?"

"Walpurgisnacht is coming, and preparations need to be made," Homura said, ignoring the stream of questions.

"At this point I'm more interested in just what exactly is going on in here. Did you buy it like this? How did you get a house in the first place? Where are your parents?"

Kyubey appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, slinking around Homura's strange furniture, tail flicking behind him. "Oh, hey guys. Just thought I'd stop by and let you know that Sayaka is probably going to die," he announced.

"Thanks, Kyubey," Homura said, voice dripping with sarcasm, "You're a big help."

At that moment Sayakanye was walking down the sidewalk beside a park in the dimming evening light. She looked down the grassy slope beside her, and saw, to her surprise, Hitomi seated next to Kyosuke on a bench. They seemed to be too close together to simply be having a casual conversation, not to mention the fact that Sayakanye had never seen them speak to each other before. She could form only one conclusion, and ran towards them.

"Hitomi?! What are you doing?" she exclaimed, bringing herself to a halt against the back of the bench.

Hitomi leapt to her feet. "Wh-Who are you?"

"Kyosuke? Don't you recognize me?"

"Yeah," Kyosuke answered in bewilderment, "You're Kanye West."

"No! Well, yes, but, it's also me, Sayaka!"

Kyosuke stood to his feet, putting an arm around Hitomi. "You've lost it, Yeezy. Let's discuss this somewhere else, Hitomi."

The two walked away, leaving Sayakanye hanging over the back of the bench, staring out across the park, mouth slightly agape. She was so dismayed that she didn't notice Homura come up beside her until she spoke.

"This might not be the best time to bring this up," Homura said, extending her hand out in front of her and opening it. A Grief Seed was resting in the palm of her hand. "But if you don't take this you are going to die."

"Go away, Homura!" she knocked the Grief Seed from her hand, "I might look like Kanye, but I still have the same level of emotional stability as every other middle school girl!"

"Alright, well," Homura said flatly as she drew a thick, black handgun from behind her, "I tried."

There was a flash and a clatter as the gun was knocked from her hand. Kyoko stood a few feet away, her spear broken into a series of links connected by a long chain. "Don't you know guns are banned in this country, _Homo_ra?" the red haired girl said with a smirk.

"Ha!" laughed Sayakanye as she took the opportunity to flee, "Nice one, Kyoko."

Later that night, when the only natural light that remained was a fragile sliver of the moon, Madoka sat beside Kyubey at a lonely bus stop. His stance was like that of a squirrel's as his dead eyes bored into her.

"You are Sayaka's last hope, Madoka. You have to make a wish and save her."

Madoka fidgeted uncomfortably. "I'm not sure if I should do that…"

Kyubey's tail danced behind him playfully. "But what about Sayaka?"

"Who cares about Sayaka!?" Homura shouted as she blew him off the bench with a few rounds, blood pouring out onto the sidewalk as he fell limply over like a discarded stuffed animal.

"I-I do…" whimpered a wide-eyed Madoka.

"You have to stop sacrificing yourself!" cried Homura uncharacteristically as she threw herself at Madoka, wrapping her arms around her.

"I…I feel like I've seen you before…" Madoka said quietly.

"So what if Sayaka is about to die? It was bound to happen anyway!" Homura said as she clutched at Madoka, fighting back her tears.

At this, Madoka stood, causing Homura to slump down against the bench. She looked down at the veteran magical girl, taking slow steps back. "S-Sayaka is…"

Madoka took off down the sidewalk as Homura stood to her feet, pulling herself up by the seat of the bench. A new Kyubey, without bullet holes, walked out of the darkness. It began to dab at the former Kyubey's blood with its tongue, like a cat would milk. "At last, I see what type of magic you have," he said, "Shooting magic."

"Is that it?" Homura asked, looking down at him with disgust.

"Also you can time travel."

"Dang it," Homura said. She let her gun clatter onto the sidewalk and left, leaving Kyubey to begin devouring his previous body.

Kyoko's steps echoed throughout the empty station as she made her way up a flight of stairs, where she saw Sayakanye sitting alone. Kyoko popped open a can of Pringles as she walked towards her. "So are we not going to address the fact that you just killed two people on the subway?"

Sayakanye remained motionless, resting with her forearms on her legs.

"No? Okay, that's cool," Kyoko said, "I get that you probably don't want to talk about it anyway."


	9. The Gang Tries Again

Sayakanye's Soul Gem shattered and exploded, unleashing thick, dark tendrils and waves of energy. An eerie whistling began to fill the underground station, and train tracks began to snake out in every direction from the witch. Kyoko stumbled backwards and was prepared to run, when suddenly everything happening around her froze, and her wrist was being held tightly by Homura.

As Homura began to drag her away, Kyoko hurried to keep up. "Wait, Homura, let me go back and get my chips."

"I can only do this for a limited period," Homura replied as they clicked and clacked their way down some of the phantom tracks.

"Well how long is 'a limited period', because it would only take like, a few seconds to go back and get them..."

Homura glared at her, and the conversation ended.

Meanwhile, Madoka sat on the edge of her bed, looking down at the floor. Kyubey slunk in, catlike, through her partially open window. He dropped softly down onto her bed, then onto the floor in front of her. "Madoka, it's time I gave you the magical girl talk."

"Wh-What's that?"

"I'll give you the short version," Kyubey said, "I'm an alien. My race goes around murdering kids so that we can prevent the heat death of the universe in a few quadrillion years."

"Wh-Why couldn't you have just asked one girl to wish for the universe not to end?"

Kyubey, who had been batting his ear with a paw, froze. He gradually lowered his paw to the ground, his pink eyes fixated on Madoka. "That's…I…"

Madoka's doorbell bounced throughout the house, and she hurried downstairs to get the door, brushing her damp eyes on her sleeves. Kyubey trotted behind her at a distance after taking a moment to stare intently out into space. Kyoko and an especially concerned looking Homura were at the door.

"Kyubey, is it possible to get Sayaka back?" Kyoko asked urgently.

"Sure," Kyubey said, "Why not?"

Kyoko took a dramatic crunch of Pocky. "So there's still a chance…"

Kyubey's ears perked up. "Or, Madoka could just wish-"

Homura, who was standing slightly behind Kyoko, subtly pulled her shirt up slightly, revealing a Glock 19 in the waistband of her skirt. This silenced Kyubey for the time being.

The three magical girls made their way back to the station, where the labyrinth was now fully formed. Train tracks crisscrossed through the air, and the main body of the witch looked like some sort of bizarre engine. Kyoko transformed and charged forward, causing tall, metal wheels to fly towards her down the tracks. She fought them back with her spear, creating angry sparks.

"Sayaka, it's me, Madoka!" Madoka shouted desperately.

The witch responded with a shrieking whistle.

Madoka turned to Homura. "What does that mean…?"

One of the wheels spun towards Madoka, barely missing her as Homura stepped in and deflected it with an explosive.

"Homura!" Kyoko cried as a wheel ground itself against her outstretched spear, "Take Madoka and go!"

"Or we could use our combined powers to destroy the witch," Homura suggested.

Kyoko, ignoring her, charged up one of the flailing tracks, dodging and derailing wheels until she reached the witch and thrust her spear into it, diving straight into the main body head-first.

"Or you could kill yourself. Thanks…" muttered Homura.

"And then there was one," said Kyubey, slinking up beside her.


	10. The Gang Gets SteinsGate

Homura pushed her glasses back up the bridge of her nose with trembling fingers as rain fell down from the dark clouds above her. To her right lay Madoka's body, face-down in a puddle, bow still in hand. To her left, Mami's body remained motionless, propped against a steel beam that was stuck into the ground. Kyubey looked up at Homura expectantly.

"I-I wish I could go back and stop all of this from happening," Homura said weepily.

"Or you could just wish to bring back everyone killed by Walpurgisnacht, or something like that," Kyubey suggested.

Homura took a shaky breath. "You're right. I wish that-"

"Nope!" laughed Kyubey, "No take backs! See you in another time-line, kid."

"But, wait-"

Several weeks passed, with Homura spending her time with Madoka and Mami once again, but this time as a fellow magical girl. She struggled to hone her new abilities under their veteran tutelage as Walpurgisnacht rapidly approached, an inevitable storm on the horizon. It arrived all too soon.

The three of them faced the daunting force just outside the city, trying to intercept it before there were civilian casualties. After an initial round of attacks, it seemed as though they were faring well. Madoka, however, was standing very still, and Homura ran towards her.

"Madoka?!" She cried as she reached her.

Madoka simply looked at her with sad eyes, her Soul Gem in hand. It was completely dark, and Homura shielded her face with her hands as it shattered and Madoka was consumed by a swirling cloud of energy.

"Come on…" Homura said.

"Oh, did I not tell you about that?" Kyubey asked.

And so Homura found herself in yet another timeline. She had greater mastery over her powers, and soon found herself in a situation prior to the arrival of Walpurgisnacht where it seemed as though her foreknowledge would be of help.

All five magical girls were underneath the city in a subway station, scouring for witches in the gloomy and empty space. Sayaka took her Soul Gem from her jacket pocket. Homura gasped upon seeing that it was completely darkened.

"Sayaka," Homura said in a voice that sounded calmer than she truly was, "You need to use a Grief Seed right now. If you don't, you will turn into a witch."

"Kyubey? Is that true?" Sayaka asked the creature, staring down at her Soul Gem.

"Nah," answered Kyubey with a shake of his head.

"Sayaka, listen to me. You have-"

Sayaka laughed good-naturedly as her Soul Gem began to splinter. "No offense Homura, but Kyubey is the expert here."

Sayaka exploded into a writhing mass of dark energy, that the other girls quickly ran towards, weapons drawn. With their combined efforts, the witch was soon brought down, and its labyrinth receding into nothingness.

Kyoko leaned on her spear, breathing hard. "I guess Homura was ri-"

She was cut off by Mami blowing her away with a musket round. The blonde then raised another and directed it towards Homura.

"First of all," Homura said, "There's no way you could beat me. I could freeze time and waste both of you right now if I wanted to. Second, why don't we all just calm down and-"

There was a bright flash of light, and Mami fell to the floor, an arrow through her chest. Madoka stood, bow in hand.

Homura sighed. "So I guess this could take a while."


	11. The Gang Makes Another Deal

"Madoka is your only chance at stopping Walpurgisnacht now," Kyubey said. The creature stood beside Homura outside the stairs that led down to the station, a calm wind drifting through the night.

Homura flipped her hair passive aggressively. "I'm not going to let that happen."

"Are you sure? Due to all the time traveling you've been doing, she would be super powerful. She could probably kill Walpurgisnacht in like, one hit."

"No," answered Homura simply.

"It would be fun."

"Shut up, Kyubey."

Meanwhile, Madoka returned home. Expecting everyone to be asleep, she was surprised to find her mother at the counter in her nightgown, glass in hand. She looked up as Madoka came in. Madoka looked down embarrassedly, closing the door behind her.

"Where have you been, Madoka?" she asked in a soft and concerned tone. "In fact, where have you been for the past week or so?" She looked curiously into her glass. "And why haven't I asked you before?"

"I…I think my friend might need my help," Madoka said, taking a seat beside her mother.

"That doesn't answer my question," Junko said, taking a quick sip, "But here's my advice: start drinking."

"Wh-What…?"

Her mother hiccupped, then continued. "That's how I do it, kid."

"Um, I think I'm going to go see my friend."

"Sure," Junko said with a shrug, "Just go out there and be a kid."

Madoka left her own, sleepy house and headed for Homura's. She reached it soon enough. It was a stately and old looking house, with long, dark hallways that made her uneasy as she walked towards Homura's room.

She knocked, and there was a distant clattering sound. Soon, Homura opened the door with orange, cheese-stained fingers. "What, Madoka?"

Madoka drifted past her, wide-eyed, into the expansive white room. "What is that?" she asked, pointing up at the strange chandelier-like object. "And where are the walls?"

"It's not important," answered Homura dryly, closing the door and following her inside.

"Homura, I think… you might need my help," Madoka said reluctantly as she sat down on one of Homura's long, crescent shaped seats.

"I've done this enough times to know that that's the last thing I need."

"Enough times…?"

Homura directed her eyes up at the strange fixture on her ceiling. "You've died before, Madoka. My wish was to go back and save you, and I've tried countless times. If it helps you to picture it, it's actually less of a _Steins;Gate _type of thing, and more like _Groundhog Day_."

"Why didn't you just wish me back to life?" Madoka asked.

"I was under a lot of pressure at the time, okay? Let's see how well your problem solving abilities hold up after being traumatized."

The following day, Homura stood alone, outside the city. A storm tossed leaves and rubbish about as she stared down the enormous, floating gear that was drifting toward her like an evil cloud. She closed her eyes briefly, and when she opened them the world was frozen around her. She immediately began running to her side, where a row of rocket launchers extended for some ways. Discarding each one after firing it at the huge gear and sprinting onwards to the next, she raced against the clock.

"Homura is really getting owned out there," Kyubey informed Madoka, "She'll be a witch if you don't get out there soon."

Madoka stopped unrolling her mat, and watched for a moment as the other families in the shelter made similar preparations. She turned to her mother, who was occupied with drinking from a metal flask.

"Mom, I have to go help someone. I really believe that it's the right thing to do."

"I don't know _what _you are talking about, but-"she hiccupped, "If you have to go save your friend from Godzilla, then go ahead."

Madoka stood to her feet. "Thank you, Mom."

Junko took another swig from her flask and looked around her with a suspicious smile. "I wonder where your brother is…"

Homura was thrown back against the ground, hard, by a huge blast and the resulting wave of energy. She struggled to even raise her hand to wipe the blood from the corner of her mouth. Above her, the sky had gone dark, and dark clouds swarmed and spun over the city. Suddenly, there was also the serene face of Madoka.

"I know what to wish for now," Madoka said with a faint smile.

"Are you going back in time to save me? Then, I'd go back too, but you wouldn't be there, and… and it'd get really complicated…" gasped Homura, coughing.

"No, Homura."

Homura coughed in an awful, ragged way. "Is it… more wishes?"


	12. The End of the Gang

Madoka ascended slowly up into the sky, a magnificent pink dress appearing around her in a flash of light so brilliant that Homura was forced to look away. A flower appeared in Madoka's hand that transformed and extended into a pink bow, from which she fired an arrow with a tail like a comet. It splintered off into many identical arrows before striking the wtichwith a force Homura had never seen before.

Madoka flew through time and space in an ethereal form. She came upon a young magical girl, who, darkened soul gem in hand, was laying against a tree. The girl looked up, amazed.

"A-Are you here to save me?" she asked, her voice strained and barely audible.

"No. You're still going to die," answered Madoka as she began to fade away, gone almost as soon as she had arrived.

"Well thanks for nothing, whoever you are" the girl said sarcastically as her eyes closed.

Homura found herself in space, stars and galaxies twinkling all around her. In the distance was what looked like an almost planet-sized sphere of a dark, ominous energy. Madoka appeared, now a massive figure, almost like a beautiful constellation, and fired another arrow of light. When it made contact with the shape, the resulting explosion of light and energy knocked Homura back into the arms of a normal-sized, smiling Madoka.

"Does this mean there won't be a season two?" Homura asked.

"I'm afraid so," Madoka said calmly.

"Does it mean that Kyubey wins?"

"Kind of," Madoka's celestial form was beginning to fade away as she untied one of her ribbons and let it drift towards Homura, who caught it.

Homura's surroundings changed once again. She found herself seated in a theater, looking out onto a stage where Kyosuke was performing a solo, his eyes closed in concentration. The only other person in the theater was a rather short man sitting in the chair next to her. He had unruly hair, glasses, and a scruffy little beard on the end of his chin.

"Are you Hideaki Anno?" Homura asked, turning to face the man.

He nodded solemnly.

"What are you doing here?"

"I am here to help you understand what happens to you, and to this universe, now," he said, resting his elbows on the armrests of his chair and lacing his fingers together.

"What do you mean?" Homura glanced at the stage, where Kyosuke was now bowing.

"Your work is far from finished, Homura," the man said, "For while you have succeeded in deconstructing this genre, that alone is not enough to make your story a legend. In order for all of this to be argued about for a decade or more on the internet, you must now create a film with an ambiguous and convoluted ending."

"But why would I do that?" Homura asked, looking into Anno's dark eyes.

Slowly, his mouth formed itself into a smile. "One day, you will understand. In fact, with the giant naked people in space, and protagonists becoming gods, you are well on your way to true enlightenment."

"Will I ever see you again, Anno?"

His mouth moved in response, but she couldn't hear his words as he too slowly faded into nothingness, still smiling eerily.

Homura, Mami, and Kyoko walked side by side down the dark sidewalk, the moon providing what dim light it could through a grey filter of clouds. The city was lit up in the distance like a cluster of stars.

Kyoko carefully took a piece of Pocky from the box with her teeth. "So, let me get this straight. Magical girls used to turn into 'witches'. But now, everything is exactly the same- we still have to fight traumatizing dark creatures and die, except we don't turn into 'witches' under certain circumstances. What did this supposed Madoka person even accomplish?"

Homura sighed. "I just don't know anymore."


End file.
